Confessions · Pantyhose

Juicing for Joy: Day 1

6:30 am: I woke up a little late today because I knew I would have breakfast and needed to delay my hangry behavior. I love breakfast. I LOVE breakfast… I’m going to get that statement and the egg-in-the-frying-pan emoji tattoo’d over my heart.

I drank a few sips of coffee before realizing my husband was trying to poison me with toxins. I am now on a Green Tea diet. I drank a cup and made some for the road. It is not satisfying in the least.

9:30 am: I have my first juice at work. My co-worker picked them up and they are very healthy and very disgusting. My first thought is, “This is a great thing I’m doing for my body and wellness.” My second thought is “This is disgusting. There is no way Sarah Jessica Parker enjoys this.”

9:54 am: My first rumbling occurs. The juice seems to have awoken a Monster inside of my body who is raging because I tried to pass of green juice as breakfast. The Monster is very mad.

10:14 am: I’m dialed-in to my first meeting of the day and very hungry. People are really slow and stupid today. Cannot tell if this is real life (likely) or the juice (slightly more likely, but only slightly).

10:16 am: I’m done with the first juice. My mouth taste like I just threw up. It’s going to be a great day.

11:54 am: It’s time for lunch. I eat a handful of cherry tomatoes, a carrot and half a bag of snap peas. All are disappointing, even with hummus. The tomatoes aren’t that bad, in fact. I think nature does a good job with tomatoes. Carrots? That is another story.

1:00 pm: I’m going into my second meeting of the day and have started my second juice. This one is ultra healthy – even more so than the first. It is really hard to take. I think about chicken nuggets from Chickfila. I also think about tacos and the Indian buffet down the road.

2 – something pm: I talk to my co-worker who is also part of the cleanse. She confirms she, too, hates this and thinks we are idiots. We have come too far and yet have even further to go. I leave her office empty and go drink some water.

3:20 pm: I am worried I have to drink a third juice before the end of the day. It is a daunting task and one I would like to avoid. My fellow Juicer tells me her last juice wasn’t that bad. She also confesses all juice taste the same at this point.

4:22 pm: I have nearly a full bottle of my third juice to polish off. It is called “Harmony” and has something sweet in it. I am not fooled by the packaging or temporary sweetness, I know this is poison. I dream of dinner.


Day 1 Review: This wasn’t so bad. The juice was horrible but the hunger wasn’t insane. It kind of comes and goes, though I think a healthy, light dinner will be the greatest gift in the world. I’m looking forward to my soup! (<- this is the saddest sentence I ever wrote)

RAGE Level: Low-to-moderate (surprising!)

Outlook on tomorrow: I think I can!

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